Live on Comedy Central

Written for Purim 2006.

“If you want to know Israeli political crime, you gotta read Dan Izenberg?" How often have you heard that? If you want a feel for the crime, you have to know the man who's following it for the Jerusalem Post. Right? Someone said that, no?

Well it doesn't matter. We're following crime and that means busting our chops on Post political crime expert Dan Izenberg. No matter how crunchy he tastes in butter.

But you got to love him. The look at the job he does on Judge Azar. Brilliant. You remember the judge who got carried away with Arafat, just couldn't stop convicting him for terror. So our secret government agreed to knock him off and blame some innocent Kurds for it.

Oh alright, so it got nasty. A couple of weeks after they announced the Kurds plot, I held a speech in Jerusalem explaining the whole thing and the next day they murdered this David Weiner, lawyer for the chief Kurd. But heck. Even his own mother won't say she knows the truth. She's too hilarious for that. She'd rather her son killed himself. These Israelis, they bring you down every time.

I mean look at Izenberg's 24/2/06 sub-headline: Court: It sounds like a horror movie; sadly, it's fact.

That Izenberg, doesn't he just break your legs:

“Tzeziashvilli organized murder from within prison...He promised to provide information about attacks against more judges in return for release from prison, through Assistant Public Defender, David Weiner, who was representing him in another case. Weiner later committed suicide after being named as a witness in Tzeziashvilli's trial. ”

You gotta give that Weiner three giant pookies for that great stunt. Two weeks from his wedding and he feels so humiliated that he may be called as a witness that, like so many great attorneys before him, he kills himself. And just 17 hours after my little talk in Jerusalem about what he must have figured out about this trial. No, four giant pookies.

As for this Izenberg, look at him starting the big roll. Hold your bellies for where he's taking us:

In it's decision Thursday, the court wrote, "A series of facts has been laid before us that would be fitting for a horror movie. To our sorrow, this time it is a fact. Two defendants, who are criminals heart and soul, stretched out their murderous hands towards a senior judge, Adi Azar, whom they happened to come cross and choose by chance, and murdered him in horrifyingly cold blood."

You guessed it, the defendants are screeching for the right to be heard and Izenberg guides us right through their yaws. It can never get this good twice, can it?

Tzeziashvilli and Nahmani continued to insist they were innocent. Judge Segal silenced Tzeziashvilli in the middle of his plea for a lighter sentence. He claimed that Tzeziashvilli exercised his right to remain silent during the trial.

Now can you ever forgive this Izenberg? Honestly, can you? Tzeziashvilli wasn't pleading for a lighter sentence. He wanted out. He finally watched the peace-team judges finish him off and just couldn't keep his pumper yapped. Neither could his father:

As the judge was silencing Tzeziashvilli, the defendant's father stood up and accused the court of conducting an unfair trial. Three court security officers ejected him from the courtroom.

Now if you were just reading Dapper Dan, you'd swear he was reporting crime at the lowest possible level. But we know how to read between the lines. Look how he grasps Olmert in his upper talons.

I mean, you gotta love the way these Israelis murderer their sitting prime minister to become prime minister. If the only thing between you and the PM's office is Rabin, well, you step on Rabin. Find the patsy and away you go. A decade later have the patsy play funny sperm games with the set-up screwball wife. Sharon was just as much fun. All that was needed was one CFR member with a delightful sense of humor and we were off to the races.

It's Front Page Jerusalem Post time. Dan pitches in on Feb. 22/06: Comptroller investigating sale of Olmert's house.

You just can't help hullifying those gronquise Israelis and all their CFR pals, now can't you? Of all the dirtball squeezebags and look who is buying Olmert's adobe for twice the value? Tell Us Dan, Big Time!

Haaretz reported that it triggered the investigation by supplying the Comptroller with new details regarding the sale, including the fact that the company that purchased the house was registered in the Virgin Islands and that it was owned by one Daniel Abrahams.

Dandy Dan skips ne'er a beat and practically shoves a sidebar down our crown. What do you want to know about Daniel Abraham that Izenberg doesn't tell us?

• Donated $120,000 to Peres' failed campaign to stay as head of the Labor Party.
• One of the biggest backers of the Peres Center For Peace.
• Inaugurated the S. Daniel Abraham Foundation Prize at Tel Aviv University to promote peace in the region.

Now here's how we know you're really, really following what Danny means to be saying about Olmert's new buyer. Did you know Abraham;

• Is funneling gastrogillions into Yeshiva U to get its foreign affairs thinking into super-CFR order?
• Was the builder of Congressman Wayne Owens center and most likely helped order him murdered.
• And in 1993, contributed $193,000 to Ehud Olmert's campaign as Jerusalem's mayor.

And now the Peres backer, Daniel Abraham has helped kill his way to the top again. Izenberg is the best, the very best. No one else could have taken us for such a tight nick. Dan the Izen always lets us off with an unforgettable rub.

You know how he likes to call them. An Arab blows up his crowd of Israelis and drifts off to heaven. Muhamed introduces him to his new companions. First there is George C. Scott, then Booker T. Washington, then Robert E. Lee until all 72 gentlemen arrive. The bomber is shocked. "Where are my virgins?" "Virgins?" replied Muhamed. "You get Virginians."

Now really, don't you just gotta love that great political crime writer, Izenberg of the Post.

As always, my books Who Murdered Yitzhak Rabin; Israel Betrayed, Shabtai Tzvi, Labor Zionism And The Holocaust; The Last Days Of Israel; and Save Israel!, as well as my videos and CDS, The Dirty Secrets Of Oslo are available by writing me at chamish@netvision.net.il. BarryChamish.com